It’s easy to end up with a jaded morality after investing yourself with the best intentions on a relationship.
My first committed relationship was more an effort I gave than a mutual reciprocation of feelings. While this man found that I was attractive, he did not bother to think of my feelings in the present nor future; he pretended to be something he isn’t, and I opened my heart to a relationship that shouldn’t have happened to begin with; It was one sided.
I was young, and at the same time I was trapped in a household of extreme harm, and cruelty; I was focused on leaving hell, I did not notice an agent of evil was sweet talking into my ear.
I was a naïve woman. I allowed others to exploit all my kindness, because I was conditioned through the oppression of the man that was my caregiver.
This relationship did not offer anything, nor provided any asset or even support to say I had a particular interest to gain something – this has never been my personality; it was more of a personal demand I put on myself to continue pushing to be with a man that I had gotten too close to – I felt I couldn’t say no, that it would mean I am shallow or that I would disappoint religion, him, others; I forgot I and my feelings matter too.
Stockholm syndrome; he was not what I needed, he did not have any regard for I as a woman, he did not provide anything emotional, spiritually, or physically but I was some sort of trophy for him to conquer, and in the choice of words claiming to love while actions were otherwise, I got lost.
He became the father of my only child because I had no respect for myself then. That’s why I’ve have had to shoulder the burden of bringing a kid (and myself) to health, but also to be the only provider of all our needs. I ended up a single parent because I was asleep, not thinking of my reality for what it was, but for what I fabricated in day thoughts that got the best of my intellect and naiveté.
It took me a while to let go, years; even after this man, those who followed were edited replicas with the same jaded shams, corrosive love, and ego manic behaviours that purely desired to completely destroy all I’ve built simultaneously as an individual within, and as a person in the world.
Every decision I made for each suitor, I constantly lied to myself that it was up to me putting up with disrespect and vilification to earn the love they said they would have if I could just forget my needs, and give into their emotional games and displays of false regard; if I played along indefinitely.
CARROT ON A STICK – GAMES
It is impossible to make a person invest themselves the way they decide to, by force, by tricks/deception, shows of care that aren’t what others are made to believe, but rather a very toxic environment that will break and ruin even the most pure of all intentions.
In order to prosper as a person, we need to feel our world is what we believe it to be. Deception is harmful, and does not help anyone become a happier individual; it does contribute to a broken society, however.
There is no use for extremism in the relationship area either.
Forcing attachment out of fear or complacency will not manifest the world we want to experience.
There is no escape to what we create, unless we accept that we have made mistakes and need to improve.
A happy person is one that is happy with how they see themselves internally; and a happy person is more a partner ready for new and better. They will also not be easily persuaded, and will know that walking away is healthy when necessary.
They have a balanced outlook of the world they keep, and the one they build with others.
Been in a relationship is not mandatory, as much as tricking, and playing emotional games with others is corrosive and a trait of sociopathic personality, not just a person trying to “win” at life fairly.
Rather than work hard in constructing lies, the goal should be to build a person we are happy with alone, to then be able to find what we want on the outside.
Personally, I have abstained from all relationships for many years. On the disclosure of information, I have abstained not only from sex, but also dating, and even kissing other men and have never had a personal interest in women myself. I am also a monogamous person with pure intentions that are focused on a world outside the physical, and I am aware this is not what most people in the dating pool are looking for.
While I have talked to certain people for a time, it was on a one on one basis of trying to find a person that matches who I am inside, rather than attraction because of momentary emotions that come when we are feeling lonely, or any other superficial justification.
This mentality has made the romantic part of my world a battlefield, in spite of my abstinence and pursue of improvement. Suitors come often, but it is not about having someone want you, but a person that matches us internally, understand who we are within at the same time; and, that they want to be a part of our material world in peace and improvement as well.
We focus too much on external things, that we forget how to be whole again.
When you become a person that is happy and improving, others will want to get close, and if we are not wise, we will be bound to a circle of repetition of mistakes over and over, until we are down to our knees and bleeding or giving up on existence altogether.
We are allowed to have no commitments, polygamy, or to want a monogamous union if this is what we want for ourselves; but, these things are to be pursued with others who wish to willingly of their own accord do the same. We only have ownership of our own bodies.
Playing mindless and disturbing emotional games with others will not grant lasting happiness, and even in the area of pleasure, it will be short lived because it is empty, and it is rather an addiction to causing pain been filled, than healing or manifesting.
Healthy relationships are born from people that have mutual admiration and respect for one another, beyond the potential gain of the exchange.
This is only possible from working on our inner world; the happiness we keep within.
Been a better person will not guarantee the behaviours of everyone outside us, but it will be wisdom that is useful in discerning how to handle all situations; ultimately, it will allow us to thrive as people, past those disturbances that try to steal away our inner peace.